“Keep your words soft and sweet for you never know which words you will eat”. This is the premise that began this post. Today we are going to discuss both beauty and bullies. This post has taken me a week longer than I had hoped, the holidays and 3 kids who were overly excited to be out of school for the week, kept my brain occupied. But in the background there was slow simmer. A lot of thoughts simmering around both beauty and bullies.
It all began when I was catching up with one of my “shows” Nashville. I love it, it is so overly dramatic and they make such poor decisions but it adds some drama to my otherwise peaceful life. Ha! Plus the music is great (if you like country). I don’t watch tv at regular times, usually late at night while folding laundry, after everyone is in bed so I watch it on a site called Hulu that lets you comment on the episodes as well. Some people hate this because so many people post spoilers. This is GREAT for me because I don’t like suspense so I can spoiler alert myself and end any anxiety. My hubs hates it and we have a deal that I won’t tell him what is going to happen on the rare chance we get to watch something together. 🙂 So there I was, watching Nashville, when one of the main characters `Scarlett` played by Clare Bowen, who has long blonde hair ended up cutting her hair to a short pixie cut. This action tied into part of the storyline. She is processing through grief.
As a former therapist, I recognize that is a very real reaction for many people and I thought it was intriguing. I wasn’t a fan of the cut, I will admit, but I was more caught up in her grief process than thinking of the aesthetics. I wondered to myself if she had really cut her hair or if they had used a wig. I scrolled through the comments of the episode and was horrified at the mean, hateful and rude comments people had left. Wowza! (I was going to post some of them here but I figured rather than promote that rubbish any further or risk breaking plagiarism laws to just let you go and scope it out yourself if you are so inclined, hopefully those I responded to removed theirs, Ha!).
First off, lets just take a step back right now that even if you hate someones hair cut you A: don’t need to express it and B: you don’t need to link their worth as a human to their hair. Can I get an agreement for that? I thought this was basic human decency but I guess with the cyber age we live in, that has been lost. I really want to explore this more but that is another post altogether.
Okay, so there I was heartbroken for this girl I don’t even know, whose character I don’t find very relatable. But behind the scenes she is a living breathing person. I decided to check out her Facebook page because I am cyber stalker I guess (kidding). That is when I was blown away. Real talk right here.
Its Just Hair
“Wanna know why I cut it all off? When I was four years old, I asked my mother; ‘Are there heaters in Heaven?'” begins her post. She then explains that as a child she had been diagnosed with end stage nephroblastoma and grew up surrounded by children who “were mostly bald, all tubed, taped, bandaged up and stitched back together… But we were all together, so no one’s appearance came into question. No one got laughed at or teased. We were all we knew.”
Bowen relates the story of “a little girl who said she couldn’t be a princess because she didn’t have long hair.” Bowen says that by cutting her own hair she could prove that “Its just hair” and “wanted her, and others like her to know that’s not what makes a princess, or a warrior, or a superhero. It’s not what makes you beautiful either. It’s your insides that count… even if you happen to be missing half of them.“Its just hair” Bowen hopes that this little girl and others like her struggling with body image issues — as well as everyone who might judge another based on their appearance — will remember that: “Every scar tells a story, every baldhead, every dark circle, every prosthetic limb, and every reflection in a mirror that you might not recognize anymore. Look deeper than skin, hair, nails, and lips. You are who you are in your bones. That is where you have the potential to shine the brightest from. It is where your true beautiful self lives.”
Beauty In The Scars
As someone who lives with scars inside and out, this moved me. We ALL have scars whether they are visible or not, it is part of the human experience. hether we discuss them openly or if we hide them away. I feel that Clare teaches an important lesson because it reminds us that we never know the experience of another. But it also makes us question- is her hair okay because of the motivation behind it and her life experience? What if she would have just wanted to cut her hair? Would that make it okay for the bullies to comment? I thought about all of this and more as I rabidly responded to all of the online bullies on the Hulu site. I realized it might be better for me to post this here. Maybe it would be heard by others who want to join Deynece and I on our journey to empower each other and others, to redefine what beauty is, to teach our children a better way. Let us be slow to criticize and quick to buoy up one another. Lets remember that we are all beautiful and we are all scarred.
XoXo- M&D
To read Clare Bowen’s original post, click here.
For a great workbook to help teens develop tools to develop a positive body image, click here.
My girls love the collection of books by Kate Lum & this one by Jane Yolen.
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Samantha says
I wrote a similar post a while ago about someone who had bad acne and got awful comments about it. I’m hoping that I’ve learned to be a little less judgemental because of things like this.
I love your post, I actually read clares article a week or so back, I too am not a huge fan of the pixie cut in general, but I would never dream of writing hateful comments to anyone just because my preference was different to theirs. More people should be writing posts like this 🙂
Hayley \\ Highway Twenty Nine - (as you can see my small nashville reference there)
People make me so sad sometimes, especially on the internet. Why does there have to be so much hate? She’s a gorgeous woman with short hair or long hair, and honestly that shouldn’t even matter. Good for her, and good for you for sharing this sort of thing.
This is just a thought provoking subject, well written in your post. First, I love Nashville, and I know exactly which episode you are referring to. The Internet is so full of bullies, that it takes my breath away sometimes when I read things people say. I don’t understand the blatent comments and callous remarks people say to each other on the Internet. Do you really have no heart? Are you really lacking any sort of mental or emotional capacity that you cannot comprehend that a living, breathing entity is at the other end of that screen, and will inevitably read your comment or remark and probably carry that with them at least for the rest of the day if not longer? Even as a blogger, I get rude comments on occasion and while I simply try to brush them off, it’s sometimes difficult. Criticism is hard to take in any form, but on the Internet it’s disguised as MEAN and very hurtful comments directly targeting someone. It’s such a crazy, overwhelming thing (the Internet bullying). Anyway, I loved your post and will be sharing it. I have a blog I used to write a lot about bullying on, and even THOSE posts got bully-ish comments. It just never ends.
Jenn says
I think people feel too comfortable behind the safety of a screen to be able to say whatever pops in their mind. The Internet is removing our internal filters.
I love her as an actress and think even more highly of her for this effort.
I love this post. I am a huge fan of Nashville I don’t normally listen to country but it has a great mix of pop and rock plus the singers are so talented you can’t help but enjoy the music. I was watching the episode where you see Scarlets new haircut live and I have to admit I thought it was wig or just a plot thing. The next day I came across Claire’s post while I was at work and it literally brought tears to my eyes. She has been so blessed as an artist and the fact that she used her fame to let little girls know beauty comes in al forms is heart warming. It’s not just the princess with the long blonde hair anymore… it’s the girl with the short brown hair, the girl who has to wear a head scarf, the girl with braids, the girl with pink hair….anyone.
Great post thanks for sharing 🙂
swell conditions says
I agree, it’s just hair! She looks beautiful with the short cut and it’s too bad there are so many outspokenly negative people out there.
This is such a great post. I don’t watch Nashville and I am not really familiar with the actress, but she had such a great response to her haters. A lot of people spend too much time worrying about what other people look like and not enough time thinking about their truly important qualities.
I love this message & I love that she pointed it out to everyone as well.
What a beautiful post and an inspiring story!
We need to change the belief of our young girls that they shouldn’t relate long hairs with princesses look. But we need to teach them about the real beauty. I have also written similar post few months ago. Thought to share with you.
http://www.anamikaojha.com/?p=2483
Anali Martinez says
Agreed. For years my mom was so scared to cut her hair because of the scrutiny she was scared would come of it. When she finally did cut her hair short, there were mixed reviews and she didn’t feel good about herself. She looked GORGEOUS, but just because a few people told her they liked it better long, she felt as if she wasn’t. Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Kelsey says
So I have to admit I was not a fan of the haircut at first. But then I realized the girl could wear a brown bag and still be gorgeous! Plus it’s just like you said it’s hair - it will grow. xo
Kelsey | http://www.abalancingpeach.com
Shann Eva says
I also watch Nashville. I was pretty shocked at her haircut, but then remembered after the trauma of my twins being born at 25 weeks, I cut all my hair off too. It just felt like a release and getting rid of the weight/anxiety/hurt I was carrying around. She still looks beautiful no matter what.
I love the thought behind this post, and I agree with so much of this! Yes, we all have those scars that tell our story, and it’s a wonderful reminder to not throw stones when we don’t know what that story is.
I’ve had pixie cuts a number of times in my life, and I’ve gotten negative comments about them, but never any that I perceived as bullying. It’s crazy to me how people would care so much about the hair of someone they don’t even know. I mean, at least the people who made comments to me actually knew me.
Rachel says
I never understand why people have to be so mean. Why can’t people live by the rule our mothers taught us “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything else?” This is a very well written article. We all just need to focus our energy for the good.